I've allowed a lot of anger to build up in the past couple of days.
Constant thoughts of judgment... nasty shit in my head.
I mean, really nasty thoughts about myself which I then direct towards others.
Through this I have isolated myself while here at the farm.
And I can see that I allow myself to carry this through when I am with others.
I am angry at myself for not having a purpose...a point.
Sometimes I see points in which I can direct myself, and I allow myself to get excited. Then I judge myself very quickly that I cannot follow through, that I will not ever be effective.
I am not comfortable within myself and this is evident in every moment.
I am rejecting every point Here as myself. I see this obviously when I eat, my stomach rejects the food and I am very sick. My physical body showing me that I am not remaining stable in each moment, that I am reacting to experience and not seeing that I am the only one who can stop all of this shit.
What is the point to remain like this?
I suppose I justify it because in some sense I enjoy being depressed. Fucked up.
When I am hopeless, there is nothing to do...there is nothing to live for. There is no work to be done. I don't actually have to do anything and it is just how I am programmed.
I am programmed to fail. I am programmed to hate myself. And I accept this as "natural". I allow myself to suffer and thus I support all suffering in this world.
Lilly told me the other day that I am isolating myself so that I can wait around for a feeling that will give me a purpose...and justifying the negative feelings because that is just the waiting period, the low before the high.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as the polarity of good versus bad, low versus high, positive feelings versus negative ones, and as the waiting for these to seesaw back and forth.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is "natural" for me to be depressed and in this justifying allowing myself to continue my depressing and hateful thoughts.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will always fail at everything that I do and that that is my purpose.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself as I exist as my programming instead of actually directing myself to actually change as who I authentically am. What I am willing to live as actually, equal and one Here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I hate other people, when really this hate is directed at myself for not living up to my standards, which are not clear and are based on judgment and comparison of myself to those around me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to isolate myself from others here out of fear that the hatred that I have allowed within myself will be revealed and I will have to face myself and face why I have not addressed this hatred until that point.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
1st SRA Session
First muscle testing session tonight with Sunette as the facilitator.
Particular point that came up was TENSION.
Emotion point tested as "mortuous" morbid, gloomy.
In respect towards "regret of my past" also towards "fear of the future"
I connected this to the point to my current agreement with Cameron in that I feared allowing myself to turn our agreement into another one of my cycling past relationships, where I manipulated the relationship to my benefit only to release my responsibility whenever I did not experience control...what I wanted out of it.
If I instigate the breakup, then I am in control, which is a mindfuck because I am creating the loss for myself.
Sunette continued testing to show that this was a front, a facade I was putting on in order to avoid fear of losing my connection in a relationship by instead instigating the loss of the relationship.
She said she didn't see it in me to try to simply manipulate Cameron to get what I want and then search for another relationship to satisfy myself.
As the point of my current agreement, I fear losing the only person that I have not simply used and manipulated and controlled... But I am again creating this loss for myself by not communicating with Cameron effectively but instead suppressing myself in order to maintain a picture presentation of myself that I assume he will not reject. This is fake and false, not real, and must be challenged in fact if this is an honest agreement.
I also brought up to Sunette that I fear situations where there is anxiety, challenge, tension as a point where I consider myself to be weak and I my physical response is to cry... which I suppress to the point that it just all comes out anyways even if the tension is only slight. I began to cry a bit during the session as a response to having to reveal myself as what I have allowed myself to exist as to another person. I can see also there is shame... shame of my past, shame towards allowing myself to exist in dishonesty and separation from my environment, relationships, etc...
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a victim to tension, anxiety, fear instead of seeing these reactions as assisting me to become aware of myself as I currently exist.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept that my behavior and personality in previous relationships defines who I am and will continue to be.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself from Cameron so that he may not see who I am as I now exist.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I present myself in a particular, protected way that Cameron will continue to support my dishonesty.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid communication with Cameron out of fear that I will expose myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowgin myself to avoid confronting Cameron with his dishonesties (which reflect my own) out of fear that he will end our agreement.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid emotion instead of facing them.
I frogive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist doing self forgiveness because I do not actually want to let go of what I have accepted as who I really am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being here at Desteni because I will have to face myself and experience much tension and challenge.
I forgive msyelf for accepting and allowing myself to fear honesty.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold back from touching Cameron out of fear that I will be rejected.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then touch Cameron from the dishonest starting point of "making up" for previous suppressions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not remain here in breath because I want to stay tense to feel in control of all of my experiences.
Sunette then tested that there was a physical point to clear in the lower right side of my body, just above my knee. Cleared sufficiently.
Further tests to fully clear this particular point of tension tested that writing, self-forgiveness, and discussion specifically, directly with Cameron. As well as experimenting with clear honest physical touch and observation of any suppression that comes up as well as not continuing the suppression but standing in the moment in honest self expression.
Particular point that came up was TENSION.
Emotion point tested as "mortuous" morbid, gloomy.
In respect towards "regret of my past" also towards "fear of the future"
I connected this to the point to my current agreement with Cameron in that I feared allowing myself to turn our agreement into another one of my cycling past relationships, where I manipulated the relationship to my benefit only to release my responsibility whenever I did not experience control...what I wanted out of it.
If I instigate the breakup, then I am in control, which is a mindfuck because I am creating the loss for myself.
Sunette continued testing to show that this was a front, a facade I was putting on in order to avoid fear of losing my connection in a relationship by instead instigating the loss of the relationship.
She said she didn't see it in me to try to simply manipulate Cameron to get what I want and then search for another relationship to satisfy myself.
As the point of my current agreement, I fear losing the only person that I have not simply used and manipulated and controlled... But I am again creating this loss for myself by not communicating with Cameron effectively but instead suppressing myself in order to maintain a picture presentation of myself that I assume he will not reject. This is fake and false, not real, and must be challenged in fact if this is an honest agreement.
I also brought up to Sunette that I fear situations where there is anxiety, challenge, tension as a point where I consider myself to be weak and I my physical response is to cry... which I suppress to the point that it just all comes out anyways even if the tension is only slight. I began to cry a bit during the session as a response to having to reveal myself as what I have allowed myself to exist as to another person. I can see also there is shame... shame of my past, shame towards allowing myself to exist in dishonesty and separation from my environment, relationships, etc...
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a victim to tension, anxiety, fear instead of seeing these reactions as assisting me to become aware of myself as I currently exist.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept that my behavior and personality in previous relationships defines who I am and will continue to be.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself from Cameron so that he may not see who I am as I now exist.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I present myself in a particular, protected way that Cameron will continue to support my dishonesty.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid communication with Cameron out of fear that I will expose myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowgin myself to avoid confronting Cameron with his dishonesties (which reflect my own) out of fear that he will end our agreement.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid emotion instead of facing them.
I frogive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist doing self forgiveness because I do not actually want to let go of what I have accepted as who I really am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being here at Desteni because I will have to face myself and experience much tension and challenge.
I forgive msyelf for accepting and allowing myself to fear honesty.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold back from touching Cameron out of fear that I will be rejected.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then touch Cameron from the dishonest starting point of "making up" for previous suppressions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not remain here in breath because I want to stay tense to feel in control of all of my experiences.
Sunette then tested that there was a physical point to clear in the lower right side of my body, just above my knee. Cleared sufficiently.
Further tests to fully clear this particular point of tension tested that writing, self-forgiveness, and discussion specifically, directly with Cameron. As well as experimenting with clear honest physical touch and observation of any suppression that comes up as well as not continuing the suppression but standing in the moment in honest self expression.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
ffffllloowww
Completely in your mind
your rhymes expose you're ly---in'
in total fallacy
deny-in the reality
that a mystic
is full of bullshit
aint no honesty
in thinkin' you got supremacy
That you can lead anyone
to find their own trinity
Totally absorbed
by all you have endured
So you think you've made it
you're ultimately jaded....
your rhymes expose you're ly---in'
in total fallacy
deny-in the reality
that a mystic
is full of bullshit
aint no honesty
in thinkin' you got supremacy
That you can lead anyone
to find their own trinity
Totally absorbed
by all you have endured
So you think you've made it
you're ultimately jaded....
Thursday, July 23, 2009
The Family Unit 2
Father: Jack
My image of Jack is weak, defenseless, fearful, "constipated", close-minded, simple, intelligent, quiet. In my memories, he is always being pushed around by Linda, and in order to escape her he would stay late at work. The topics of discussion between us were limited to school work, science, and gardening...and the maintenance of my car. I remember him always changing the subject when he obviously did not want to discuss something. I often avoided him because I knew that he was not the "decider" when it came to questions I had to ask.
Continuing...
I mostly avoided him. Or when I did participate in something with him it would only be from the starting point of desiring something or to make him think that I was a good daughter.
My image of Jack is weak, defenseless, fearful, "constipated", close-minded, simple, intelligent, quiet. In my memories, he is always being pushed around by Linda, and in order to escape her he would stay late at work. The topics of discussion between us were limited to school work, science, and gardening...and the maintenance of my car. I remember him always changing the subject when he obviously did not want to discuss something. I often avoided him because I knew that he was not the "decider" when it came to questions I had to ask.
Continuing...
I mostly avoided him. Or when I did participate in something with him it would only be from the starting point of desiring something or to make him think that I was a good daughter.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
The Family Unit
Before birth, a specific group of people come together to bind you to them.
As they have been bound into groups by those who lived before them.
*Ancestors... Incestors...In cest... your IN-session.... An-cessation (without stopping/end)
Bringing you into the family
*Family...fame-ly....familiarity...formality... the "nuclear" family is the complete family.
It is unending if allowed to continue... and its starting point is each person who participates and perpetuates.
So, before a new member is born, the current living family prepares the programming, even if unconsciously, based on the programming they have accepted from An-cesstors.
Your years are your rank... the more years you have on your image, the more respect you "deserve". *Deserve...De-serve...serve from down below.
So the one being born, the newest, is the bottom of the unit... and will be put in their place in each moment through all words and actions of each member of the family.
To a baby: "shh!!!", "be quiet", "be still", "this one is a horrible/bad baby" or "this one is sweet"
To a child: "sit still", "listen", "behave", "be quiet", "do what I say", "1,2....don't let me get to 3"
To a kid: "do you want to be punished?", "act your age", "go to your room", "behave yourself"
To a teen: "do your work", "grow up", "have some respect", "get a job", "get a life", "you're a disappointment"
This programming is evasive, extensive, all-encompassing, and reinforced by all around a child... And the more a child fights against it...the more they will suppress their self and they will manifest that family program as who they become.
So my question to my self is, how to practically support children in removing the family unit.
------------
Obvious point... I am still reacting to my experience within and as my family unit.
I cannot practically assist anyone if I continue to suppress and avoid my own acceptance and allowance of guilt and feeling of specialness that I have towards my family.
So Here, I delve into my memories and all that is attached to family and practically forgive and remove my involvement in a family unit:
Mother: Linda.
I begin with my mother because I have the most involvement with her and see many points in myself that depend on her approval of me and the desire for her love.
My image of Linda as my mother is mixed with emotions...anger, love, jealousy, sadness. I remember her yelling at me a lot... yelling at me to clean my room, for not being nice to my sister, for not doing my homework until the last minute. I remember her asking me, many times, to sit on her lap and tell her why I love her... and my responses were never what she wanted to hear... so she would coax me to say more and more. I remember her making me do school projects that were exceedingly intricate to prove that I was a smart and intellectual child. I have many memories of her telling me that I was smarter than my friends. I remember her buying me whatever I wanted at a store, unless it was something she specifically disapproved of, and then there would be a great argument. I remember her telling me about her own mother and how she was horrible and mean to her, and how she tried to be such a wonderful mother to me. I remember her reminding me that her mother and I have the same birthday and how I had developed many of her mothers psychotic traits.
There are a couple of specific memories that I have that repeat in my mind of her being violent with me. When I was about 10, I refused to eat the dinner she had made and she told me I had to sit at the dinner table all night until I cleaned my plate. About 4 hours later, I had not eaten her food still and I tried to get up, and she got up from the other room, pushed me in my chair and smashed my plate of food on the floor. Then she told me to clean it up.
When I was 12, I was arguing with her about watching television and I called her a bitch. She smacked me hard across my face and then proceeded to break down crying and apologizing and telling me she loved me.
When I was 17, my parents locked my car up in the garage b/c I had broken curfew. I broke the lock and parked my car in the front of the house and decided I was going to run away from home. I waited for my parents to get home so they would not report the car stolen, and I told them I would be leaving the house. As I gathered my clothes together, Linda ran into my room and pushed me down on my bed. She began to strangle me and shake me on my bed as my father and my sister watched from the door. I called out to my father but he just stood there. Eventually I pushed her off of me and I left the house.
I have memories of being very proud to be her daughter. She took me to a contest at her college where students would sit around in groups and discuss torture and whether it was necessary or not. All of her colleages told her that I did very well and she praised me so much for a long time after that.
My most recent memories of her have been of her drinking wine. I remember her getting so drunk that she could hardly speak. I remember feeling disgusted that she was this drunken old lady who was not the image I had of my mother.
I am beginning to cry as I write this... there is so much attachment to her. But my attachment is not even to who she is, because I do not know who she really is. I only know what I accept of her...
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept the image of my mother as who Linda is.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be loved by an image that is not real.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire love and acceptance of my own image by Linda.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I need my image of myself as the daughter of Linda to be alive.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach myself to Linda.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilt towards not living up to Linda's expectations for me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my guilt affect my conversations and interactions with Linda.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change my personality depending on who I am around.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Linda is supposed to love me unconditionally and when she does not to blame her.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my mother.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be hatred and disgust.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame Linda for being violent towards me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for not standing up when faced with my mother.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept my mothers manipulation out of fear and guilt.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept my mother as superior.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my self around my mother so that she will accept the image I portray of myself as a good daughter.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing Linda to be dishonest out of fear that she will disown me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being dis-owned
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to need to be owned by others so that I do not have to take responsibility for myself.
More to come...
As they have been bound into groups by those who lived before them.
*Ancestors... Incestors...In cest... your IN-session.... An-cessation (without stopping/end)
Bringing you into the family
*Family...fame-ly....familiarity...formality... the "nuclear" family is the complete family.
It is unending if allowed to continue... and its starting point is each person who participates and perpetuates.
So, before a new member is born, the current living family prepares the programming, even if unconsciously, based on the programming they have accepted from An-cesstors.
Your years are your rank... the more years you have on your image, the more respect you "deserve". *Deserve...De-serve...serve from down below.
So the one being born, the newest, is the bottom of the unit... and will be put in their place in each moment through all words and actions of each member of the family.
To a baby: "shh!!!", "be quiet", "be still", "this one is a horrible/bad baby" or "this one is sweet"
To a child: "sit still", "listen", "behave", "be quiet", "do what I say", "1,2....don't let me get to 3"
To a kid: "do you want to be punished?", "act your age", "go to your room", "behave yourself"
To a teen: "do your work", "grow up", "have some respect", "get a job", "get a life", "you're a disappointment"
This programming is evasive, extensive, all-encompassing, and reinforced by all around a child... And the more a child fights against it...the more they will suppress their self and they will manifest that family program as who they become.
So my question to my self is, how to practically support children in removing the family unit.
------------
Obvious point... I am still reacting to my experience within and as my family unit.
I cannot practically assist anyone if I continue to suppress and avoid my own acceptance and allowance of guilt and feeling of specialness that I have towards my family.
So Here, I delve into my memories and all that is attached to family and practically forgive and remove my involvement in a family unit:
Mother: Linda.
I begin with my mother because I have the most involvement with her and see many points in myself that depend on her approval of me and the desire for her love.
My image of Linda as my mother is mixed with emotions...anger, love, jealousy, sadness. I remember her yelling at me a lot... yelling at me to clean my room, for not being nice to my sister, for not doing my homework until the last minute. I remember her asking me, many times, to sit on her lap and tell her why I love her... and my responses were never what she wanted to hear... so she would coax me to say more and more. I remember her making me do school projects that were exceedingly intricate to prove that I was a smart and intellectual child. I have many memories of her telling me that I was smarter than my friends. I remember her buying me whatever I wanted at a store, unless it was something she specifically disapproved of, and then there would be a great argument. I remember her telling me about her own mother and how she was horrible and mean to her, and how she tried to be such a wonderful mother to me. I remember her reminding me that her mother and I have the same birthday and how I had developed many of her mothers psychotic traits.
There are a couple of specific memories that I have that repeat in my mind of her being violent with me. When I was about 10, I refused to eat the dinner she had made and she told me I had to sit at the dinner table all night until I cleaned my plate. About 4 hours later, I had not eaten her food still and I tried to get up, and she got up from the other room, pushed me in my chair and smashed my plate of food on the floor. Then she told me to clean it up.
When I was 12, I was arguing with her about watching television and I called her a bitch. She smacked me hard across my face and then proceeded to break down crying and apologizing and telling me she loved me.
When I was 17, my parents locked my car up in the garage b/c I had broken curfew. I broke the lock and parked my car in the front of the house and decided I was going to run away from home. I waited for my parents to get home so they would not report the car stolen, and I told them I would be leaving the house. As I gathered my clothes together, Linda ran into my room and pushed me down on my bed. She began to strangle me and shake me on my bed as my father and my sister watched from the door. I called out to my father but he just stood there. Eventually I pushed her off of me and I left the house.
I have memories of being very proud to be her daughter. She took me to a contest at her college where students would sit around in groups and discuss torture and whether it was necessary or not. All of her colleages told her that I did very well and she praised me so much for a long time after that.
My most recent memories of her have been of her drinking wine. I remember her getting so drunk that she could hardly speak. I remember feeling disgusted that she was this drunken old lady who was not the image I had of my mother.
I am beginning to cry as I write this... there is so much attachment to her. But my attachment is not even to who she is, because I do not know who she really is. I only know what I accept of her...
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept the image of my mother as who Linda is.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be loved by an image that is not real.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire love and acceptance of my own image by Linda.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I need my image of myself as the daughter of Linda to be alive.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach myself to Linda.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilt towards not living up to Linda's expectations for me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my guilt affect my conversations and interactions with Linda.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change my personality depending on who I am around.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Linda is supposed to love me unconditionally and when she does not to blame her.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my mother.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be hatred and disgust.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame Linda for being violent towards me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for not standing up when faced with my mother.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept my mothers manipulation out of fear and guilt.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept my mother as superior.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my self around my mother so that she will accept the image I portray of myself as a good daughter.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing Linda to be dishonest out of fear that she will disown me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being dis-owned
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to need to be owned by others so that I do not have to take responsibility for myself.
More to come...
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Manifest of Life
Who we are as the new Desteni religion...
We are the awareness that who we are as human beings currently existing in separation, dishonesty, violence, emotion, abuse of self and others, is not practical and will only lead to further suffering of all beings.
We are the awareness that each of us is responsible for what is here as we have accepted and allowed ourselves to separate ourselves into tiny bubbles of existence with only images of each other and therefore never actually experiencing each other as who we really are.
We are the process of investigating dishonesties, habits, programming, and the process of forgiveness for allowing ourselves to be directed and blinded by ideas, emotions, feelings.
We are the process of forgiving all of the past experiences and beings who we have judged and reacted to out of fear, jealousy, anger, frustration, etc...
We are the process of amalgamating self with all beings and all Life, One and Equal, to support all practically on this earth.
We are standing up for equal living support for all so that each being may have actual unconditional freedom to self-expression and creativity.
We are standing up to end corruption and imbalance of wealth that results in an elite few remaining wealthy while remaining beings have to work endlessly (supporting the wealth of the elite) to live mediocre lives.
We are the realization that Life demands that all beings stand equally, it will take all of us standing as One for all to Live!
We are the passion for Life!
We are the common sense that all life must be supported for any life to live actually.
We are the Love that is Oneness and Equality as the living word Love.
We all will face ourselves...and in directing ourselves, we will find who we really are.
We are the awareness that who we are as human beings currently existing in separation, dishonesty, violence, emotion, abuse of self and others, is not practical and will only lead to further suffering of all beings.
We are the awareness that each of us is responsible for what is here as we have accepted and allowed ourselves to separate ourselves into tiny bubbles of existence with only images of each other and therefore never actually experiencing each other as who we really are.
We are the process of investigating dishonesties, habits, programming, and the process of forgiveness for allowing ourselves to be directed and blinded by ideas, emotions, feelings.
We are the process of forgiving all of the past experiences and beings who we have judged and reacted to out of fear, jealousy, anger, frustration, etc...
We are the process of amalgamating self with all beings and all Life, One and Equal, to support all practically on this earth.
We are standing up for equal living support for all so that each being may have actual unconditional freedom to self-expression and creativity.
We are standing up to end corruption and imbalance of wealth that results in an elite few remaining wealthy while remaining beings have to work endlessly (supporting the wealth of the elite) to live mediocre lives.
We are the realization that Life demands that all beings stand equally, it will take all of us standing as One for all to Live!
We are the passion for Life!
We are the common sense that all life must be supported for any life to live actually.
We are the Love that is Oneness and Equality as the living word Love.
We all will face ourselves...and in directing ourselves, we will find who we really are.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Thoughts closing in on me
I am sitting here...bringing last night here...
laying in bed...observing all of the thoughts rushing through my head
that I will write something down
that I will try to stop judgements
that I will stop comparison
that I will stop my mind from controlling me
and on and on and on...
what will it be like to stop judging?
what will it be like to stop comparing myself to others?
what will it be like to stop comparing my experience based on my knowledge, my memories?
what is it to be every part of myself?
what is it to be one and equal with my toes....my feet...my legs...my stomach...my back...my chest...my arms... my shoulders...my ears....my head...my nose...
and on and on and on...
all thoughts within thoughts...
I begin to experience myself as though I am very far from my body and I have a sensation of a small object/mass at a great distance from me... which moves closer and closer as all of these thoughts are shaking about... and it begins to consume me.... to scatter me apart... static fuzz in waves... and it throbs back and forth back to get me again and again.
I have many memories of similar experiences from when I was younger...lying in bed worrying about different things, like my family dying and other seemingly terrible things...I would get the sensation of this mass and I would become so afraid...afraid that I would actually disappear because this stuff would eat my brain and leave my body dead in my bed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my thoughts.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny that I allow my thoughts to mold who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my thoughts and to hope that they will just go away
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow my thoughts to incite fear in me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain in my thoughts and memories and not bring them Here as who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suffer and not take responsibility for my thoughts.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to judge and compare all of my experience.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my experience.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain a victim of my thoughts and not stand up as one and equal as Life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain as habits and fears.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not face myself as who I have allowed myself to be....habits, fear, thoughts, memories, victimized, helpless, hopeless, sad, confused, small, weak, stupid.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for everything that I judge as wrong with me and to feel guilty.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live as the polarity of right and wrong.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my hatred of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I am justified in hating myself.
laying in bed...observing all of the thoughts rushing through my head
that I will write something down
that I will try to stop judgements
that I will stop comparison
that I will stop my mind from controlling me
and on and on and on...
what will it be like to stop judging?
what will it be like to stop comparing myself to others?
what will it be like to stop comparing my experience based on my knowledge, my memories?
what is it to be every part of myself?
what is it to be one and equal with my toes....my feet...my legs...my stomach...my back...my chest...my arms... my shoulders...my ears....my head...my nose...
and on and on and on...
all thoughts within thoughts...
I begin to experience myself as though I am very far from my body and I have a sensation of a small object/mass at a great distance from me... which moves closer and closer as all of these thoughts are shaking about... and it begins to consume me.... to scatter me apart... static fuzz in waves... and it throbs back and forth back to get me again and again.
I have many memories of similar experiences from when I was younger...lying in bed worrying about different things, like my family dying and other seemingly terrible things...I would get the sensation of this mass and I would become so afraid...afraid that I would actually disappear because this stuff would eat my brain and leave my body dead in my bed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my thoughts.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny that I allow my thoughts to mold who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my thoughts and to hope that they will just go away
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow my thoughts to incite fear in me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain in my thoughts and memories and not bring them Here as who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suffer and not take responsibility for my thoughts.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to judge and compare all of my experience.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my experience.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain a victim of my thoughts and not stand up as one and equal as Life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain as habits and fears.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not face myself as who I have allowed myself to be....habits, fear, thoughts, memories, victimized, helpless, hopeless, sad, confused, small, weak, stupid.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for everything that I judge as wrong with me and to feel guilty.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live as the polarity of right and wrong.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my hatred of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I am justified in hating myself.
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There is no masterplan
There is no other reality
which you only pretend to see
There is only this world we've made
becoming slaves
to the programs we accept in mind
just passing time
pretending there is some greater energy
that will produce ultimate synergy
while we all sit back and sip our hennessy
Our "rights" and different "insights"
are our self-interested plight
will this ever change
will we ever see we are the same?
Quit this mess...seriously... common sense.