Isolation and Self-Hatred

I've allowed a lot of anger to build up in the past couple of days.
Constant thoughts of judgment... nasty shit in my head.
I mean, really nasty thoughts about myself which I then direct towards others.
Through this I have isolated myself while here at the farm.
And I can see that I allow myself to carry this through when I am with others.
I am angry at myself for not having a purpose...a point.
Sometimes I see points in which I can direct myself, and I allow myself to get excited. Then I judge myself very quickly that I cannot follow through, that I will not ever be effective.
I am not comfortable within myself and this is evident in every moment.
I am rejecting every point Here as myself. I see this obviously when I eat, my stomach rejects the food and I am very sick. My physical body showing me that I am not remaining stable in each moment, that I am reacting to experience and not seeing that I am the only one who can stop all of this shit.
What is the point to remain like this?
I suppose I justify it because in some sense I enjoy being depressed. Fucked up.
When I am hopeless, there is nothing to do...there is nothing to live for. There is no work to be done. I don't actually have to do anything and it is just how I am programmed.
I am programmed to fail. I am programmed to hate myself. And I accept this as "natural". I allow myself to suffer and thus I support all suffering in this world.
Lilly told me the other day that I am isolating myself so that I can wait around for a feeling that will give me a purpose...and justifying the negative feelings because that is just the waiting period, the low before the high.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as the polarity of good versus bad, low versus high, positive feelings versus negative ones, and as the waiting for these to seesaw back and forth.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is "natural" for me to be depressed and in this justifying allowing myself to continue my depressing and hateful thoughts.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will always fail at everything that I do and that that is my purpose.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself as I exist as my programming instead of actually directing myself to actually change as who I authentically am. What I am willing to live as actually, equal and one Here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I hate other people, when really this hate is directed at myself for not living up to my standards, which are not clear and are based on judgment and comparison of myself to those around me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to isolate myself from others here out of fear that the hatred that I have allowed within myself will be revealed and I will have to face myself and face why I have not addressed this hatred until that point.